1. |
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I can’t sleep
When I’m all alone
’cause I hear a shriek
That holds like a drone
It’s a constant hum
Piercing through my eardrum
And it’s all because of you
And often in the middle of the night
I find myself unable to close my eyes
You filled an ocean of guilt and pride
Just to leave me there to drown
I try my best to rationalize
So I treat my self-destruction as an oversight
Spent a month looking for comfort
In fake stimuli that never worked
Found myself punching mirrors
I couldn’t bare to see my reflection
You made me jump
You made me jump
In the waters
When I didn’t know how to swim
Oh I’m drowning, oh I’m drowning
And the seaweeds are entwined around my ankles
I can’t feel my feet
I can still feel the taste
I can still feel the smell of your waters
Deep down in my mouth
It comes back and it fucks me up
I cut my cheeks to turn them into gills
But nothing works
Nothing ever works
That’s what they told me
Nothing ever works
And it never ever heals
The wounds will stay with me
I wish you knew that it hurts
I wish you felt a quarter of what I feel
I want you to face it
Face your work
Face your lust
Face your waters
Face your work
And sometimes live a lyric will pop to my head
And I pray to God to never sing it again
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2. |
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It started in 2019
People were starting to notice
That this 16-year-old kid
Was making videos and music
I think it was in January
When everything was silent
That she appeared slowly
Inside social media comments,
“Hey, I really like your stuff”
She typed one day
“I genuinely think you’re worth”
It felt nice back then, so it started
Saying the same sentence again
And again and again
Until it becomes a joke
A joke I never really cared for
Every word I said
To her was said the right way
Every song I made
Was better than the rest
She felt smart and calm
Yet she made silly jokes
She felt introverted
Yet she talked the most
She felt nice and strong
Yet she said she was fragile
She felt nice and young
Yet she was 32 years old
She infiltrated every corner of my online space
Made herself look unavoidable
She had plastered her voice and her face
As a wallpaper for my Internet existence
She made videos about me
She made drawings about me
She made music about me
She only talked about me
Fast forward a few months, she’s now considered a friend
She’s known as the nicest person on the planet
Everyone saw her as a nice aunt who likes cat gifs
Astrology and Facebook motivational quotes,
“I’m so impressed by you, Felix
You are so gifted”
It’s something she said
Way too frequently
She wanted attention
I wanted attention
She wanted attention
I craved attention
I liked her
As a friend
I liked her
As a fan
Doing anything to get to me
Like a child pulling my sleeve
In hindsight, the thing she wanted
Was pretty clear
I was slipping into dark territories
Thinking nobody would ever want me
I treated my body like shit
Took showers in the dark to not see it
Our late night talks became online venting
She knew everything about me
From the minor incidents of the daily life
To the time I was sexually abused as a kid
She changed a lot when I turned 18
One day she was in my DMs
The next she was in my apartment
Her husband got mad at her
For spending late nights on discord with children
So I told her to get out
Their relationship was toxic
I didn’t know what to do to help
So I called her every day
And so it started
That’s when she started coming to my place
We wanted to cheer her up
There was a noticeable gap
Between her culture and ours
We were all teens, barely adults
She was almost twice as old
We let our guard down
It’s funny all the bullshit you can let slide
When someone is known to be nice
So I let my guard down
I let my guard down
She started coming to my place
A lot more than the usual
Doing 4-hour trips to Paris
Just to sleep on the sofa
I was in a dark, dark, dark place
She would dissect my lyrics
Find me more and more illnesses
By twisting metaphors and abstractness
She would find excuses for my shitty behaviour
Find another sickness where she would be the cure
I was addicted to her presence
I was addicted to the attention
I was addicted to the excuses
I was addicted to the sickness
I began skipping classes
Spiralling into darkness
My mind was shattering
Suicidal thoughts kept coming
I would fantasize about autodestruction
Drinking litres and litres of the strongest liquor
At every party with my friends
I would look at the ceiling
I would eat tons of shit only to make myself vomit
This spiral of constant praise made me fucking hate myself
I was barely 18 I wanted to end it
She found an opportunity to be the one to save me
To cure my illnesses and my insecurities
She went to Paris one night
To spend the weekend with me
The conversation drifted into dark territories
I told her about everything
My relationship with sex
And how I resented it
And I don’t know why
But she took that as a challenge
I was in the weakest place
I felt a pit in my stomach
Something felt wrong
I got into her bed
Because she was supposed to be my safe place
She cried on my back and told me:
“You deserve better, someone younger”
I was just a kid
She was almost twice my age
I was terrified
I wanted to get away
I was vague and not clear
As twisted as it is to hear
There was a thrill
Because it was all new
Maybe that’s why I didn’t say “no”
She was making her way into my mind
That was confusing and weird at the same time
Those lines are especially hard to write
Knowing what would happen that night
“Do you consent?” she said
I was scared and I said yes
History repeats itself
History repeats itself
History repeats itself
History repeats itself
That night I was raped
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3. |
Naked and Afraid
03:11
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You took my hand and guided me to your breast
I was frozen, crushed between fear and disgust
I wish there were better ways to pretend
It’s not like you care, you enjoy every second of it
You looked right at me and opened your thighs
Then my memories got dark, I blacked out
It’s not ’cause you have fun that I do
There’s this thick black fog around you
It’s not ’cause I nod that I want you
And I do this to comfort you
Denial
Denial
Denial
Why are you so enthusiastic
When I was hallucinating and dissociating
When I was puking in the toilets
You were waiting for me to come back
When I did I fucked a person I didn’t know
You wanted me to learn how to be an adult
Before this I knew nothing about sex
But now, I think I know even less
It’s not ’cause you have fun that I do
There’s this thick black fog around you
It’s not ’cause I nod that I want you
And I do this to comfort you
But I didn’t know
Yeah, I didn’t know
I didn’t know
I didn’t know
Let’s just stay friends
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4. |
Dizzy
04:11
|
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A crippling feeling of dread
Climbing its way up my stomach
Is twisting my guts
Under scary amounts of stress
I comply to anything you say
’cause I’m supposed to enjoy it
My voice pierces through the crows
But no one hears me
It’s fading
It’s fading
Out
It’s fading
It’s fading
Out
You smothered me with dissonant kind words
Forcing your experience on mine
How could I be down if you’re not
Oh I told you it would only happen once
But I know it will happen again
’cause I’m weak as you’re well aware
But when I scream, I only get one reply
That everyone does that
It’s fading
It’s fading
Out
It’s fading
It’s fading
Out
I can’t say it any louder
My eyes are covered with water
I don’t want to be alive right now
I can’t phrase it any better
It’s an abstract sensation
I just wish I wasn’t here
For a while
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5. |
Fear of Abandonment
04:07
|
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I heard you weep
From across the apartment
I wasn’t here for you
For an hour or two
It’s hard to flee
When it causes you such pain
But I wish I could talk
To other people
“I promise I won’t leave you unless you leave me”
There’s a few things I would do, but it’s stressful to be with you
“I promise I won’t leave you unless you leave me”
There’s a few things I would do, but it’s stressful to be with you
And I will take the pressure off of you
And put it on my back
Punch the walls or my heart
If it eases the pain
I’m terrified when you hold me tight
I’m not in love but sometimes
It kinda feels like you are
And I don’t want to stay … there
I just feel trapped
Inside of my own house
’cause you get mad
When I don’t respond to your texts
It’s not just that
It’s hard to commit
I just think it’s weird
That you ignore the age gap
I just want
To fix a broken person
But the more I try, the less it seems
That you need fixing at all
“I promise I won’t leave you unless you leave me”
There’s a few things I would do, but it’s stressful to be with you
“I promise I won’t leave you unless you leave me”
There’s a few things I would do, but it’s stressful to be with you
But I will take the pressure off of you
And put it on my back
Punch the walls or my heart
If it eases the pain
I’m terrified when you hold me tight
I’m not in love but sometimes
It kinda feels like you are
And I don’t want to stay
Squeezed by the grasp of your arms
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6. |
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Shove it
Shove it down my throat
You know I’m powerless
You lead
Lead me to your cave
The trail of sugar was a bait
And I feed of the attention you give me
So you can lead me to your bed and drown me
As soon as the door shuts she turns and takes off my clothes
She gives me all I want but takes a part of my soul
Consistently stimulating my senses
Because when I’m alone I get sick
Order my favorite food and force it down my throat
’cause I need another distraction or I will decompose
As soon as the door shuts she turns and takes off my clothes
She gives me all I want but takes a part of my soul
I don’t know what I want but I think I don’t want that
But nobody told me that she would choose the answer herself
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7. |
Moments of Sobriety
05:30
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Found myself in a hotel room
With a rock inside my throat
In this moment I’m like a kid again
And I can’t find my way home
The drug is wearing off and I need
To pick up my clothes
I’m naked in a stranger’s place
I don’t know how I got there
I can still feel my head
Getting light on that July day
This girl got me locked inside her gaze
I want to see her again
But you come out the shower naked
With a smile that splits your face
I don’t feel like saying no
’cause I can tell you enjoy yourself
So I lay down, turn my head and feign pleasure
I see a dark figure in the corner
My body hurts like hell I’m petrified with fear
As I feel her closer than she’ll ever be
And I say “slower”
I say “slower”
I say “slower”
And after a minute, she hears me
Maybe I wanted to sink that day
To touch the bottom of the ocean
’cause I wanted to swim ’til I was free
And I figured I didn’t need to breathe
I might be still swimming to my death
There’s an anchor attached to my leg
You claimed me as your land
Like a dog pissing on my face
And I will die but sooner than they think
And I hope it feels just like being a kid
Who’s falling asleep in a car piercing through the rain
I don’t want to notice my conscience
Fading away
Away
And I hope it feels just like being a kid
And I can hear them laugh through the walls
A tender warmth an overwhelming bliss
So soft, I’d happily drift into eternity
I gazed towards the crowd
The sand was pushing on my back
And in the depths of the sky
I saw a face that looked like yours
You were not here but I felt your presence
The ever so soft touch of your hand
Far away from all I had ever felt
I wanted to see you again
Just like in July
All over again
I wanted to be caught in your gaze
That’s why I kept breathing
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8. |
Crying as a Weapon
05:20
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We sat down and told you
That it all had to stop
You didn’t understand
You didn’t understand
After the rehearsal, in the taxi
I didn’t want you to touch me
You didn’t understand
You didn’t understand
You said
“Could you stay there with me
I’m so cold and lonely”
I said “I will be back
It’s no form of attack”
But you told me softly
“Without you I’m nothing
If you leave I vanish
So go and see this
Girl you like
It’s me or her, be wise”
(I just want you to stop for a second)
We were all on a couch
You didn’t come with us
Instead you left
Instead you left
You came back wailing
After 20 minutes
We knew it was fake
We knew it was fake
You said
“I don’t have my place here
You don’t care about me
And if I was dying
You wouldn’t fear a thing
You always like the sex
You don’t care if I break
You were the one who asked
And the one who came back
Can’t you see I’m in love
You always say we’re friends
We both know it’s much more
I don’t want it to end
And I hate when you say
That what I did was rape
You know it causes pain
And you know I can’t
Take this hate
You’re just so selfish”
I told you I was sorry
I lost my breath
Another panick attack
I lost my breath
I don’t love you back
I can’t take anymore of this abuse
I can’t take anymore of your abuse
Stop shifting the blame again and again
Be an adult for fuck’s sake
I’m tired of the panic attacks and the anxiety
When you cry to make me feel guilty
Now I don’t care you can cry all you want
I won’t be here to clean your tears
I lost my breath
I lost my breath
I lost my breath
I lost my breath
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9. |
Death of an Illusion
10:23
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You left the apartment one day crying
Asking if we were gonna let you back in
We said yes but never actually did
’cause I felt a sense of dread
Every time I saw a text
Every time a memory replayed
Every time I saw your face
’cause you admitted one day
That you wanted me to feel the same
You wanted me to feel pain
’cause you weren’t my girlfriend
The memories spun in my head
They took a different shape
You were the only one who liked
This fucked up game
Twist the words we don’t care
You can shift the blame
At the end of the day
I don’t trust a single word you say
And now I don’t know who to trust
I don’t know who to trust
I had a panic attack
I called you late at night
I thought you were gonna
Commit suicide
I thought I overreacted
But it was just the seeds
Of a tree you had planted
In my head when I wasn’t looking
You sent multiple texts a day
I tried my best to ignore them
But I snapped when
You told me you’d still take the train
When I told you what you had done
You suddenly shifted the tone
“I’ve always checked your consent
And followed your desires and limits” (It’s what you said)
No it’s not a wonderful adventure
No it’s not an enchanted parenthesis
You just imposed a sexual urge
On a boy that’s barely eighteen
No I won’t accept the apology
No It won’t be that easy
Oh you can keep saying sorry
I know you don’t mean it
I stayed in Becca’s bed for days
Looking straight at the ceiling
I thought about the seventeen girl
You had slept with
So I gathered all the information
And I sent in right to your face
Kicked you out of the places
Where you could still talk to children
A severed arm in a hospital room that’s the picture you sent
With a constant stream of insults
Beneath suicide threats
And on that morning, I contemplated death
Alone in my messy apartment
’cause I can act like it didn’t matter
But your texts fucked me up
Your mask was slipping away
You felt so proud of your rape
And I didn’t see through your shit
So I covered my ears and I screamed
And I walk because it’s what I’m supposed to do
Drawing my pain in the snow with my shoe
And I know there are so many things I should do
But this morning I hear nothing
I hear nothing
I still wake up crying in the night
I try to scream but — I try and I try and I try
And you’re over me, smiling wide
I want to speak and — I want to
But I’m fucking terrified
And in your head you’re still right
You’re not a rapist or a pedophile
Well try your best to rationalize
I hope you don’t sleep at night
And my body fails when I see a text
Always finding ways to shift the blame
Insulting me and hiding behind tears
’cause you’re terrified of what you did
You still talk to some of my best friends
You strictly forbid me of telling them
So I still can’t warn them openly that
This quirky adult is attracted to teens
It’s something I still can’t tell to you
’cause you go awkwardly silent when I do
I’m gonna make sure you can’t sleep
Until you realize what you fucking did
And I walk because it’s what I’m supposed to do
Drawing your face in the snow with my shoe
But I don’t have to talk to you If I don’t want to
’cause this morning I hear nothing
I hear nothing
I drew your face in the snow
Hoping it would melt away
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10. |
It Never Leaves
09:09
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11. |
To Love Again
04:49
|
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|
Wake up
The storm is gone
And I think I have to go
Out in the snow
But it’s okay
When I’m out and freezing
You’re the coat I’m wearing
Even if I’m all alone with
My thoughts
And if the world shattered
I know there’ll always be shelter
between your arms
And next to you
And I don’t want to explain
What we both already understand
It never feels like I’m trying to love you
I just do
So follow me please
I need someone next to me
The road feels a little less lonely
When we talk
Together in the park
The rest of the world fades out
And it feels like there’s just us
Piercing through the silence
With our hearts synchronized
In their beats
I don’t know why
It’s so easy to love
When my heart’s been torn
In a thousand ways
Before
But I don’t wanna explain
What we both already understand
It never feels like I’m trying to love you
I just do
I’ll follow you
For as long as you want me
’cause I sure want you
Next to me
And as my fingers slide through your hair
For a second all the weight goes away
And that second is what made me wanna stay
You make me sleep again
And after all that we’ve both been through
It’s a miracle that it all goes so well
And all I want is to wake up with you
You make me love again
You make me love again
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Feldup France
I want to make music.
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Tout est absolument fabuleux dans l'univers d'Alt236, la musique, la chaine youtube, le type. Non franchement j'adore cet univers qui à la faculté fascinante de canaliser ma mélancolie latente. Merci à lui et à AL9000.
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Avec Alt236 on est jamais déçu, ni par sa musique, ni par ses vidéos, ni par son livre exceptionnel. C'est un véritable alchimiste, tout ce qu'il touche se transforme en or. Bravo et merci pour cet album magnifique que j'écoute en lisant la maison des feuilles.
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